


The Sound and the Fury

by CoinToYourWitcher



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, A Joy Division mood for disorientation depression anxiety and love, All song fics all the time, Angst, Dead boyfriend trope, Depressing romance, Drug Use, F/M, Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury references, First Love, Flashbacks, Force Ghost Ben Solo, Ghost Sex, HEA, Happily Ever After, Having a kink for everything about Ben Solo, Joy Division - Freeform, Listen to the song recs or you get coronavirus, Loss of Virginity, Lune - Freeform, Poe Dameron Being a Little Shit, Reckless Ass Grief, Recreational Drug Use, Reylo - Freeform, Roof Sex, San Holo, Sexual Tension, Skipping Class, Sneaking Out, Stream of Consciousness, The Invisible references, The feels, Underage Drinking, tripping balls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoinToYourWitcher/pseuds/CoinToYourWitcher
Summary: Rey is a sophomore foreign exchange student who falls hard for the son of her host family, Ben, a senior. After a couple short weeks, an accident takes him from her.But, somehow, when she’s lost in grief and the blaring drone of music, she can hear him, even feel him, and will do anything to reunite with him.A song fic tribute to Joy Division inspired by this amazing scene from The Invisible: https://youtu.be/qfsgGrHdYXE
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 23
Kudos: 51
Collections: House Dadam





	1. I’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling

**Author's Note:**

> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1GD6ZljRNqd1EJABYj5f5l?si=SInFCRDYRxeLVYPjMm-lig)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow  
>  What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again  
> I'm watching you, I'm watching her, I'll take no pity from you friends  
> Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now  
> Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know**
> 
> Disorder by Joy Division

[ ](https://ibb.co/1bV3wmC)

The water was perfectly still, like glass, as Rey swam towards the floating dock in the middle of the private lake. 

Tossing the drybag up on the dock first, Rey climbed the ladder and rolled onto her back to face the bright American sun. Sitting up, she pulled the bag into her lap and unrolled the end with the zipper, pulling out her noise-cancelling headphones and phone. 

Once the music was up full blast--because that’s the only way she could hear him--she reached into the bag for the handle of vodka, tapping her feet on the warm wood of the dock. 

Rey felt surprisingly excited, considering what she was about to do. 

She felt the pull. 

Ben was here. 

She sighed, knowing he was going to fight her on this, but he was fading, he couldn’t stop her. He couldn’t even touch her anymore. And she wasn’t going to live like that.

The last thing in her bag was Leia’s Klonopin, enough to kill her twice. 

**“What the fuck are you doing, Rey?!”** came his deep voice, as if from inside her headphones.

Ignoring him, Rey pressed on the lid and turned. 

She felt bad that she had stolen his mother’s medication, but this would be a good way to go, painless.

**“Don’t you fucking dare!”** he shouted as she poured a few pills into her wet palm.

Cupping her hand to her mouth, she threw her head back, chasing the pills with a swallow of vodka, almost choking.

She’d have to do them one at a time, quickly, so she’d get enough down before she went to sleep.

**“Don’t do it! I-I don’t even love you! I’m not even going to be here that much longer, I’m fucking fading! Do you understand me?!”** he shouted, frantically. 

Rey knew she could remove her headphones and his voice would be gone, then she’d have no arguments, but just in case this plan didn’t work, she wanted his voice to be the last thing she heard.

One pill at a time, she popped and swallowed, popped and swallowed.

Out of vodka, with still twenty pills to go, she leaned over to the edge of the dock, filling the empty bottle with lake water. _Who cares about Giardia when you’re about to die anyway._

The lake water went down easier than the vodka. Throwing the empty pill bottle in the water, she spotted something.

“Look, Ben!” she said, extending her arm as far as it would go, she grabbed an empty wine bottle floating by, the one Poe had thrown into the lake over two weeks ago. 

“It’s your Faulkner essay,” she laughed, uncorking the bottle and trying to pull it out, realizing there was a numbness starting in her fingers.

He wasn’t responding anymore, all she could hear were his sobs. 

No one was going to find her out here and it was too late for her to swim to shore. He knew her chances of survival were gone now.

As she laid back and held the paper up to block the sun, she read his homework, smiling at the sight of his handwriting.

**“Just in case this doesn’t work, I take it back, I love you, okay?”** he said.

“I know you do,” Rey smiled. She hadn’t worried about that weak attempt to stop her for a moment. 

This would only take about twenty minutes, according to the internet.

“Talk to me?” Rey said, trying to sound brave, still skimming his paper.

\------------------------

“I didn’t tell you to scare you,” Leia laughed, seeing her face. “But just in case you ever come in and see me on the floor, believe me, it’s happened, you’ll know where my pills are.”

Rey nodded, trying to remember which cabinet above the microwave contained Leia’s seizure medication.

“Go meet Ben, he’s upstairs!” Leia said as she unpacked the dinner groceries they had bought on the way back from the airport. “Your room is right next to his, if you want to look around.”

The Solos lived in a really nice house. Half of the first floor had more square footage than her whole house in Surrey. Rey felt pleased she would get to live here for a whole year. Leia and Han already seemed like the long lost parents she always wished she had. 

Growing up in the Care system, staying in one place for a year was a luxury. She had mainly applied for this exchange program to get away from her foster parents, The Plutts, who fostered her and three other kids for the government assistance money. They were only too happy to see her gone as long as the checks kept coming.

As she padded up the carpeted stairs, Rey could hear the thumping drums of a Joy Division song. She wasn’t prepared for that. She hadn’t asked how old their son was, assuming he was in primary school. Probably because a lot of families took in exchange students as a means of gaining a free babysitter.

Following the sound to a closed bedroom door, she felt slightly intrusive as she knocked twice.

“Come in,” a casual, deep voice said. 

Letting the door swing inward, it took Rey a moment to absorb the sensory overload of his walls, every inch covered in photos and posters. Spinning in his desk chair, Ben smiled at her, cocking his head in surprise too.

_Oh. Fuck._

He was a grown ass man. With muscles and everything.

“I don’t know why, but you’re not what I pictured,” Ben laughed. 

Rey thought about shaking his hand, but she didn’t know etiquette for American students of different genders. She tried to think back to movies and decided that was something they probably didn’t do. He stood up and closed the distance between them, pulling her into a hug.

_Oh my god, he’s tall._

He felt her take a nervous swallow.

“Sorry, do British people not hug?” he asked, backing away with a grin.

“We’re a pretty reserved people,” Rey admitted, trying not to scan his pecs or his big bottom lip. 

Actually, she couldn’t look anywhere on him without finding a kink she didn’t know she had. 

Black jeans. 

Dark hair. 

Big hands. 

Just. Arms.

“You’re a Junior, right?” he asked, the question leading somewhere.

“Erm, I’m year 12?” Rey said, not sure if that was the same thing.

“Sixteen?” he asked, still trying to determine something.

“Yes,” she said, wondering what age he wanted her to be.

“What’s the drinking age in England?” he asked, smiling. 

Rey decided it sounded as if he wanted to include her in some mischievous plan.

“It’s 18, but we’re allowed to drink at home,” Rey explained.

Ben pulled her into his room, closing the door behind her. A rush of adrenaline hit her. She’d been in the United States for two hours and she was already in a boy’s bedroom alone.

“My parents are going out of town next weekend and I’ve been planning this party, I mean, seriously, look at this,” he said, opening his closet to reveal two clinking crates full of a variety of alcohols. “How do you feel about rule-breaking I guess is what I’m asking.”

Rey was definitely not a risk taker. 

She had never had any sort of substance. 

She had never kissed a guy. 

She had perfect attendance.

But something in the last two minutes had made her want to become a completely different person.

“Sounds fun,” she said, attempting to come off cavalier.

He grinned at her, “Yesss, thank you.”

\-----------------------------

“Ben?” Rey called, spinning in a circle, the crowd pushing her as the concert ended. She must have looked frantic or crazed because the guy that was behind her was still watching her.

“Are you _on_ something?” he asked her, smiling.

It took Rey a moment to understand his thick, southern accent.

“No, I’m not on anything. I was just...looking for my friend,” she lied. _My dead friend._

“Do you want to be?” he asked, winking at her. 

Rey frowned, watching as he held out his palm with a little white gel capsule.

“What is it?” Rey asked.

“That’s Peter Pan, right there,” he said, as if she should know what that meant.

“Here, Sugar,” he said. “My gift, have a better night.” He walked away and Rey realized she was holding the tiny pill now. 

_What was this?_

_Heroine? Meth? No, this isn’t meth._

_Cocaine? Do people swallow cocaine?_

Rey wanted to hear Ben again, but she didn’t know how it worked. 

Maybe if she was outside of herself, maybe it was the music and the way she couldn’t hear herself think.

Feeling reckless, Rey popped the pill, dry swallowing it. Looking around to make sure no one saw her, she started walking back to the house, not knowing how long it would be before the drug took effect.


	2. Love to the beat of the show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **And we would go on as though nothing was wrong  
>  And hide from these days we remained all alone  
> Staying in the same place, just staying out the time  
> Touching from a distance  
> Further all the time  
> Well I could call out when the going gets tough  
> The things that we've learnt are no longer enough  
> No language, just sound, that's all we need know, to synchronise  
> Love to the beat of the show**
> 
> Transmission by Joy Division

“I thought you should see it. I’m not going to show anyone else,” Finn—the head of the yearbook—whispered, leading her into a small room lit with a red light.

Rey determined he was showing her the yearbook staff’s dark room, for what reason, she had no idea.

There were white, shallow tubs on the counters and photos hanging as if from clothes lines along each wall in rows of three or four. 

Rey immediately froze, looking around. 

Her face was everywhere. 

There were a few photos of group shots: the basketball team, a science fair, but most were of her. 

Her at the party on the roof. 

Her in the cafeteria. 

Ben running his hand through his hair, she’d taken that one. 

The majority were difficult to tell since he had zoomed in so close to her face.

Finn was watching her.

“Did you know he liked you?” he asked, starting to gingerly take them down, one at a time.

Rey nodded, her mouth contorting as she tried not to cry. Really only one person even knew they had been _ together_. 

As if grief were contagious, Finn’s chin quivered too.

“We didn’t tell anyone,” Rey explained.

“Because they were your host family,” Finn said, understanding.

\-----------------------

Rey lifted her bedroom window, sticking her head out into the night to listen.

Merriweather Post Pavilion--the amphitheatre venue only two fields away from the house--was humming with a concert. 

She had homework, but she didn’t feel like thinking tonight. The Solos would be asleep by now, but she wasn’t going to risk using the front door.

Grabbing her black hoodie, she climbed through the window onto the roof, working her way diagonally across the shingles over to the tree. Scaling the tree branches to the ground, she paused to let her hands finish burning from scraping the abrasive bark. It was harder doing this by herself. 

_ Last time Ben helped her_, she remembered, bitterly. 

She ran through the wet, knee-high grass, realizing she had forgotten her phone or a flashlight, but it didn’t matter, there was a little moonlight to help her along. Climbing two fences, she was soon overlooking the concert from the top of the hill. 

It was a decent crowd, maybe 3,000 people, a good place to get lost in anonymity.

Walking through the haze of pot smokers on their blankets in the back, she headed for the throng. Pushing further--until she was getting buffeted around by everyone’s bodies--she stopped in the middle, the music ear-splittingly loud. 

She actually recognized this song.  **Caterwaul** by  **...And You Will Know Us By the Trail Of Dead** . 

It was a slightly rougher crowd than last time; more of a mosh pit than an audience.

Ripping out her hair band, she shook her ponytail out, tilting her head back as she danced, not caring if she caught an elbow. She raised her arms in the air and jumped in a circle, swinging her head from side to side.

As the song picked up, she closed her eyes, letting her mind go blank, the sound cancelling out her brainwaves. 

Her hair curtained over her eyes, and Rey finally let the tears flow freely for the first time since that moment in the kitchen, two weeks ago. 

She grabbed her hair at the roots, wishing she could tear out her memories and heal. 

Rey was furious at the world for giving her something and just as quickly ripping it away. 

Something grazed her forehead, a hand, putting the hair that was in her face behind her ear.

Her head shot up, but no one was looking at her. Whoever had touched her must have spun back around to face the band.

It sounded like the lead singer was shouting her name. She peeked between two shoulders, confused, but the singer wasn’t even near his microphone as he played the guitar.

**“I’m here!”**

She covered her mouth in shock, her blood running cold. 

_ That was Ben’s voice. _

Two familiar arms wrapped around her from behind, but looking down, there was nothing there.

_ I’m losing my mind.  _

_ Ben is dead.  _

_ I went to his funeral. _

There was a deep whisper in her ear,  **“I’m still here,”** he said, sounding tearful. She could feel his broad chest against her back.

She spun around, “Ben!” 

A young guy behind her shook his head as if she was confusing him with someone. She continued to look around.

**“Can you hear me?”** she heard Ben ask, incredulous.

**“REY!”**

The song ended, leaving her ears ringing, and just like that, the sensation was over.

————————-

There was a strange noise coming from somewhere. 

“Aaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

Rey suddenly realized it was coming from her when Han and Leia ran to her from around the kitchen counter. 

She fell to her knees, crumpling in on herself, unable to close her mouth.

It reminded Rey of that time a crow got in the house and kept 

hit 

hit 

hitting the glass window at full speed trying to get back to the sky but couldn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed or what was stopping him what that invisible force was that kept hurting him and it was his confusion that broke her heart until he hit it really hard and fell to the floor his beak open and his eyes staring and he couldn’t move and she ran over and threw a pillowcase over him and took him outside to be free but he died she felt like that crow stuck staring and open mouthed on the floor of the Solo’s kitchen because Ben was dead and Ben had drowned and Ben

was

gone

\-------------------------------------

“Chronology of events is totally disregarded in the first three sections and the stream of consciousness technique and flashbacks are used…” Rey read aloud from his essay. “You’re so smart.”

**“I was barely trying when I wrote that,”** Ben said, remembering.  **“Wrote that the Sunday after the party and all I could think about was fucking you on the roof.”** He laughed at his own honesty.

Rey smiled, her eyelids feeling heavy, “Yeah, that happened so fast.”

**“It** **_all_ ** **kinda did,”** he said, sadly.  **“I wish I’d had more time.”**


	3. She said I've lost control again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **And she gave away the secrets of her past  
>  And said I've lost control again  
> And a voice that told her when and where to act  
> She said I've lost control again  
> And she turned around and took me by the hand and said  
> I've lost control again  
> And how I'll never know just why or understand  
> She said I've lost control again**
> 
> She’s Lost Control by Joy Division

“Oh.”

“My.”

“God.”

Rey stood at the foot of the tree that led to her bedroom. 

It had taken her forty-five minutes to walk back to the house from the Pavilion, a trip that should have been ten minutes, maximum. 

She had also removed her jeans, after not liking the way the grass was getting them wet. 

_Where were her jeans?_

_Did she leave them in the field?_

_What WAS that pill he’d given her?_

The tree seemed so much bigger than before, the trunk growing before her eyes, but she needed to get inside, she was getting cold goosebumps on her legs.

Walking to the front porch, she opened the screen door a millimeter at a time so it wouldn’t creak. When it was finally open, she tested the doorknob, finding it locked. _All that work for nothing._

The sound of bugs in the trees was becoming deafening. Ben called them cicadas, but she’d never seen one.

Ben’s childhood treehouse was over on the other side of the house, maybe she could hide in there, if she could climb the boards nailed into the tree. 

She ran, as if being chased, suddenly paranoid someone would see her in her underwear and then the feeling was immediately replaced by euphoria as she saw the treehouse. She could definitely climb that, it was only about four feet off the ground.

For some reason, she remembered it looking higher.

Once inside, she laid on the oval, woven rug on the floor, feeling like she made it just in time for the drug to hit her. Gravity doubled and pinned her to the floor of the treehouse.

She was waiting for Ben now, looking around hopefully for his dark eyes or maybe just his deep voice. 

Spotting an old CD player, Rey slid over and popped it open to see what he had listened to back when people listened to CDs.

**LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND** was the name of the album. **LUNE** was the band.

The foam on the headphones was dry and faded, but she slipped them on and hit PLAY, letting her heavy head hit the floor again. He had the volume turned up too high, but she left it the way he’d listened to it.

**People, can you hear me?**

**Here's a message that I'm sending now**

**I've got the answer to all your problems**

**And tonight I'll be singing it loud**

**“REY!”**

Rey wanted to sit up, but it didn’t feel safe, like if she sat up, she’d fall to the roof.

“Ben!” she called.

**“You CAN hear me!”**

Rey felt him lay next to her, sliding his arm over her ribs and putting his face close to hers. If she closed her eyes, she could almost see him. 

The drug was making the room shake so she held his arm tight.

**Just surrender yourself to the rhythm**

**With your hands up in the sky**

**Feel the energy deep inside your system**

**And leave this world behind**

“Oh no,” Rey said, feeling herself sliding across the floor. The drug kept changing gravity on her. The room was revolving, as if she was in a slow-moving washing machine.

**Leave the world behind you**

**“Rey, what’s wrong, did you take something?”**

Rey’s feet hit the wall and she rolled up it, right over the window pane, flat now on the corner between where the wall ended and the ceiling began.

“Fuck! Ben, help me,” she cried, feeling out of control of this force, even though she knew it wasn’t real, it was all in her head.

**Leave the world behind you**

She felt Ben’s hands on her waist, trying to help her down, but gravity shifted again, sliding her across the splintery ceiling.

**“Stop moving! Just hold still,”** he said, as if it was her fault that some great god was dribbling the earth like a basketball. 

Falling from the ceiling, she hit the floor of the treehouse hard on her elbows, crying out in pain.

**Leave the world behind you**

**“Jesus Christ! What did you take, your eyes are moving really fast,”** Ben said. 

She could feel his hands on her cheeks. 

“I can’t see you, Ben.”

**“I know,”** he said, sadly, **“Just don’t move. I think you’re on PCP or something.”**

“Ben?” Rey said, her eyes opening wide.

**Leave the world behind you**

**“Yeah?”** he said, sounding worried.

“I think I can be a ghost too. I think I can fly, actually,” Rey said. _It was so obvious. She’d have to show him or he’d never believe her._

**Leave the world behind you**

**“No, no, no, don’t get up,”** he said, sounding scared.

Rey knew he’d understand once he saw. Running to the window, she flung it open, climbing out onto a branch and standing up. 

She looked up at the stars through the leaves, her appearance hushing the cicadas. 

“Ben, are you watching?” Rey asked, smiling ear to ear, holding his old CD player in one hand as she stretched her wings out.

**“Look down, Rey! You’re GOING TO BREAK YOUR NECK!”** he shouted.

Glancing down, Rey screamed. She was at least fifteen feet in the air. 

The drug was distorting all of her perceptions, including judging how high his treehouse had been. 

Ben’s strong arms pulled her back through the treehouse window, pinning her to the floor. The headphones flew off and his grip disappeared.

\-------------------------

“I know some people went to the lake and I just want to clean up all the bottles before my parents get back,” Ben was saying, leading her through the woods.

“You have a lake?” Rey asked, stepping over a fallen tree.

Ben didn’t bother answering her because the small body of water was right before them as they left the treeline.

“Is that a little dock in the middle?” Rey asked.

Ben flung his book bag to the ground at the shore, but set his camera bag down gently. Flicking his hair out of his eyes with a jerk of his head, he grinned at her.

“Want to go for a swim before school?” he asked, his tone indicating he was thinking of more than a dip in the water.

“What about all this?” Rey asked, looking at the empty cans and bottles along the bank.

“Well, I have to get that stuff anyway,” Ben said, pointing to the dock where Rey could spot more rubbish.

Ben twisted out of his shirt, throwing it in the grass.

“We’ll be late,” Rey warned, watching him, knowing full well she was going to do whatever he chose to do.

He unbuttoned his jeans and she felt her hands involuntarily pull her T-shirt off. 

“You’re _such_ a bad influence on me,” Rey whined, sliding out of her shorts and following him to the silty edge of the water.

It was morning, so the water was cold, having absorbed the temperature from the night air, but Rey followed Ben all the way in, until it was just their heads above water. The cold actually felt good on the secret parts of her that were still sore from three nights ago.

His parents would be getting home at some point that day from their business trip and she wanted to enjoy the freedom of having Ben to herself as much as possible, before they returned and she’d have to feign indifference again.

Ben stopped at the ladder, letting Rey go up first. 

Her panties clung to her as she pulled herself up and she blushed, wishing she hadn’t chosen to wear the white underwear set today. 

The boards were slippery and greenish near the ladder with soggy wood so she put her hands down and made her way to a dry spot.

Ben crawled towards her, cat-like, and pulled her close in a kiss. He wasn’t lollygagging, they had to get to school.

Laying her back, he pushed her legs apart with his knee, giving her no time to be shy. 

Rey ran her hands through his still-dry hair, enjoying the way his tongue on hers felt just as good as sex. Her hands gripped his strong arms and she raised her hips to meet his, inviting him to lower himself.

Grinding himself into her, Rey realized he was rock hard, despite the cold water they had both just endured. She was thinking about lowering her hand to investigate-

“Are you fucking your cousin again?” came a voice from the shore. 

They both shot up into a sitting position.

Poe--who Rey had just met Saturday at the party--was standing at the water’s edge, laughing.

“She’s not my cousin!” Ben shouted, leaning his arms on his knees to hide his erection. He flashed Rey an apologetic smile as she tried to hide behind him.

“I thought she was your English cousin?” Poe said, tilting his head as if he could see around Ben.

“No, she’s an exchange student,” Ben laughed.

“What’d you do with my phone?” Poe asked. 

Rey assumed he must have lost it at Ben’s party.

“I don’t remember,” Ben said, putting a hand behind him to pinch Rey’s side. She giggled. 

“I threw it in the lake,” Ben whispered to Rey. “He took pictures of us on the roof.”

Rey’s smile dropped. 

“You didn’t tell me that!” she said, trying to imagine what Poe had seen that night. _Oh, god._

“Is this your book bag?” Poe asked, sounding peevish. “I know you threw my phone in the goddamn lake!”

“Don’t touch my shit!” Ben shouted, watching helplessly from the dock as Poe dug through his bag.

“Ooh, is this your Faulkner essay?” he asked, rhetorically, rolling it into a scroll.

“Poe, don’t, that’s due today!” Ben said, angry now. 

Poe stuffed Ben’s paper in an empty wine bottle, corking it with a smile and tossing it towards the other side of the lake. Rey and Ben watched it splash, then bob back to the surface.

“Payback, asshole!” Poe laughed. “Also, British chick, he takes all his girls to the dock, so don’t fall for his shit!” 

As Poe walked back through the trees, Rey felt her stomach sink.

Ben faced her, reading her eyes. She didn’t have to ask if that were true, when he looked so guilty already.

He put his hands on her waist, but she ripped them off.

_I can’t believe I did this. I lost my virginity to a guy I barely know._

Standing, Rey dove into the water, making for shore. 

She could hear him calling for her from underwater. 

Part of her didn’t want to come up for air and face reality.

Halfway to shore, she glanced back to see if he was following her, but he was standing in his black boxer briefs, looking between her and the bottle with his essay he still had to retrieve before class.

“Rey, this isn’t where I take girls, it’s just- I don’t know- part of our property!” he called as she grabbed her clothes and fled up the hill.

\-------------------

It wasn’t until she got home from school that day, where she found his parents sitting at the kitchen counter looking glassy-eyed, that they told her.

Ben had slipped on the dock, hit his head, and fallen in the water.


	4. Where all hopes sank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank, searching for you  
>  I was moving through the silence without motion, waiting for you  
> In a room with a window in the corner I found truth  
> In the shadowplay, acting out your own death, knowing no more**  
> Shadowplay by Joy Division

Rey had been so busy helping Ben prepare for the party that she hadn’t had a chance to get ready. By the time she finished her hair and makeup and came down, it was almost eleven and there were probably forty people downstairs. 

She looked around at the other girl’s clothes, hoping she hadn’t overdone it. 

In lieu of a dress, she’d put on a loose tank top that covered her hips and showed off her bra on the sides. She had torn holes in her black tights, to make them less dressy, and finished off the ensemble with her Converses. 

Realizing she was the only one without a drink, she headed for the kitchen. 

“The British are coming! The British are coming!” a boy shouted, his hands cupped around his mouth. Several people laughed and looked her way. 

She felt very sober by comparison to the room.

Rey had gotten a lot of British jokes at school, particularly in English class...and American History. This boy looked like one of those instigators.

He jumped down from where he was sitting on the counter and came over to her. 

“I’m Poe.”

“Rey,” she said, fidgeting with her bracelets and wondering if Ben was in the living room. She didn’t get all skanked-up for this character.

“Want a drink?” Poe asked, seeing her empty hands.

“Yes,” Rey smiled, following him to the station she’d set up, feeling like he didn’t know this was her house.

“What would you like? We’ve got whiskey, rum…” he said, looking through the bottles, tipping them back to see the labels.

Still casting around for Ben, Rey said, “I’ll take the bottle of vodka in the cabinet.” Ben had recommended it to her, since she was new to drinking and it was flavored.

Poe looked confused, then peeked in the cabinet, pulling out the vodka, “What are you psychic?”

“No, I put it there. I live here,” Rey explained. 

“With Ben?” Poe asked, pouring it into a Solo cup with a splash of orange juice.

“Yep,” Rey said, taking the drink as he handed it to her. He tapped his cup to hers and they both took a swallow.

“We don’t have these in England,” Rey said, looking at her cup, “I’ve always wanted to go to an American party with red Solo cups. Do you think people will play beer ping?” Rey asked, feeling the burn of her first ever sip of alcohol travel the length of her esophagus. 

“Beer ping?” he laughed, repeating her.

“Whatever,” Rey said, knowing that wasn’t the right term. She drank some more, trying to catch up with everyone else.

Hearing the music in the living room change to a Joy Division song, she knew she’d find Ben there. 

“I’ll see you around, okay?” Rey said, starting for the living room and almost running into Ben’s chest as he came out. There was an awkward moment where he tried to get around her, either to go down the hall or into the kitchen.

“Which way are you going?” Rey laughed, trying to get out of his way. 

Hearing her accent, he paused, as if he hadn’t recognized her until she spoke. His mouth fell open as he looked her down.

“Jesus. I’ll go wherever you’re going,” he said, flirting. It sounded like he’d had a few. 

Rey beamed up at him.

“Look at you,” he said, “I can’t believe your room is three feet from mine,” he added, as if he counted himself lucky.

“Yeah, well, don’t go sneaking in on me. Unless you want to go to another concert,” Rey smiled, remembering their escapade her second night in the house. She took a sip of her drink, to show him she was cool with underage drinking. 

“I’ve got some pot,” he said, leaning closer to her ear. “But I don’t have enough for everyone. Do you want to go up to the roof with me?”

Rey looked back and forth at his eager eyes and nodded. She flipped her hair to the side, watching him, meanwhile the inner Rey did a happy dance.

Ben turned and led the way down the hall. 

They fairly ran up the stairs, as if there was something in the air, teenage excitement, fun and lust, music and the effects of alcohol. 

\---------------------------

Rey probably wouldn’t have gone into Ben’s room if she hadn’t been drinking. Some partygoer had left half a bottle of Ketel One in her room, which she had ignored for two weeks.   
  


Until today.

She was skiving off school today and had the Solo house to herself. 

It was hard to consider going back to a normal school day after hearing Ben’s voice and feeling his touch last night, first at the Pavilion, and then in his treehouse, where she’d woken up that morning. 

She also hadn’t done her homework.

Opening his door, it was almost like she could see him sitting in his desk chair, like the first time she met him. Only it was silent now. 

Rey tiptoed over to his stereo, looking around for the controls. She hit a play arrow but nothing happened, then she tried the volume knob, hearing a quiet bass guitar strumming. 

She turned it up more, hearing a guitar join in. 

She twisted the knob more, feeling her face twitch with despair. _This band was always going to make her think of him._

Bobbing her head, Rey was glad his parents wouldn’t be home for hours, she’d get to hang out with Ben’s stuff. 

Opening his closet, there were still several bottles of liquor left over from the party. She grabbed a bottle of something brown and broke the seal on it, stumbling back into the middle of the room. 

She watched her hair sway back and forth as she danced, then lifted her face to take a swig. The swinging motion disoriented her and she fell backwards onto her butt. 

She was only in her bra and panties and, spotting one of his shirts on the floor, she pulled it on, bursting into tears from the faint smell of him still lingering on the fabric. 

Rey could feel her sanity slipping away as fast as his scent.

\--------------------------

Ben opened the door to his room and let her go in first. Opening his desk drawer, he took out a tin box, raising his window with the other hand. He squeezed out with difficulty, then held his hand back inside to help her.

Taking his big hand, Rey peeked at the slant of the roof and stuck a foot out, finding the shingles reassuringly grippy on her rubber soles. 

Ben braced his feet and set the tin box in his lap. Opening it up, he took out a baggie with large green buds in it and something that looked like a small tin of shoe polish.

“This is a grinder,” he showed her. “I’m going to break this up a little and pop it in there,” he said, as he opened the lid and broke the bud apart, closed it and started twisting it with both hands.   
  
  


Rey was relieved that he had gone into teacher-mode, giving her an excuse to look at him and stare openly at his arms and hands. She had watched him lift a keg earlier by himself and had nearly fainted internally from repressed sexual frustration.

“Hold your hands flat for me,” he said, setting a rolling paper on her hands. 

Rey smiled, glad to be helpful in some way. It did feel special to be the girl Ben took up on the roof with him. He must be popular if this many people would drive out into the Maryland countryside to come to his party. It was hard to tell at school, since he was a “Senior” and not in any of her classes.

“You have to put it glue side up,” he continued, putting a little paper cylinder in the middle on one side. “That’s the filter. Then you add the weed. And try not to spill it, like I just did,” he laughed, watching some of it blow down the roof. 

Rey smiled, wishing her hands weren’t so busy so she could kiss him. 

That was her goal tonight. 

She wanted her first kiss to be with Ben. 

Taking a lighter out, he snapped the tin closed and tossed it back inside the open window. Pausing to look at Rey as she obediently waited for more instruction, he smiled lazily.

“You want to try rolling it? You have such small fingers,” he said. “Just lick the edge a little bit to make it sticky.

“I can try,” Rey smiled sheepishly, licking the side closest to her, fitting the sticky paper to the width of the filter and rolling it.   
  


Ben twisted the ends so nothing would fall out. 

“Nice job,” he smirked, taking it and lighting it, inhaling on the other end. 

He pointed his lips at the moon and exhaled a white ribbon of smoke. 

Her stomach clenched. He was so beautiful.

His hand was in front of her, holding out the joint with two fingers.

She couldn’t wait any longer.

Instead of taking it, Rey stood, stepped between his legs, and knelt, facing him, the shingles painful on her knees. 

He watched her, stunned, as she took his face in her hands and kissed him. 

Their mouths opened on the second motion, their tongues finding each other. He dropped the joint and pulled her into him, tilting his head so he could kiss her deeper. 

A little noise escaped her mouth and she fisted her hands in his hair, wondering if they could go back to his bed to do _more_ , her loins already screaming for attention. They kissed like that, silently twisting, two silhouettes on the roof. 

Ben’s hands slid down her back to her ass, lifting her slightly and setting her down next to him with her legs draped over his, carefully so neither of them fell. 

He pulled off her shoes, one at a time, letting them roll down the roof, one falling into the yard. 

His hand reached up and found the top of her tights, running his finger along the band, waiting to see if she was going to stop him.

She kissed him harder in answer, feeling his fingers pull her tights and underwear over her thighs, and raising her hips to make it easier. 

The shingles were giving her bare ass a good exfoliation treatment now so she pulled her shirt lower to sit on it.

Undoing his pants, he hesitated, reaching back through the window, half his body inside his room, digging around on his desk. He returned with a condom in his hand, looking at her with uncertainty, wondering if the hiatus had broken the spell.

Rey licked her kiss-stung lips, locking eyes with him silently and sliding her shirt up a little higher on her hips.

“Holy fuck,” he said, watching her. “Don’t move.”

Reaching back into his room, he returned with his camera, popping the lens cap off and stuffing it in his back pocket.

Rey blushed, looking down.

“Actually, that’s even cuter,” he said, snapping a photo. 

Reaching out for the camera, Rey flipped it around, taking a picture of Ben as he ran his hand through his hair.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Rey said, seriously. She wasn't sure why she said it.

The gravity of the situation was life-changing for her, being her first crush, her first kiss, her first-hopefully-time.

Even if she fell off the roof and died, she would live sixteen boring years all over, just to get to this night again.

Ben took his camera back, smiling, and set it inside the window on his desk.

When he returned, he had a look of fresh determination. Pulling his shirt off by the scruff of the collar, he panned around, then grabbed Rey’s hand, climbing to the top of the roof. Laying his shirt down, folded once, he positioned Rey’s knees there, putting her hands up on the spine of the roof.

“Don’t let go,” he said, his voice deep with want.

Rey froze in place, surprised by the sex position he'd chosen. But he didn't know she was a virgin, and she was perfectly happy to do whatever as long as they used the condom.

Moving behind her, he pulled it out of his pocket, tearing it with his teeth, pulling himself out and rolling the condom down his length. It only went halfway.

Rey opened her mouth, then closed it. Of course he had a fire hose down there, if his hands had been any indication. 

He was waiting, gauging her reaction, his hand massaging his tip to maintain himself.

All in, Rey reached back and pulled her shirt from her ass all the way up to the middle of her back, feeling a tickle of cold night air play on her.

Satisfied, Ben spat into his hand, stroked himself, leaning forward on one leg as he slid in and out a little bit at a time, a little noise escaping him as her hymen relented, letting him slide in a little further suddenly, catching him off guard.

"Holy shit. Even with the condom, you're like...so warm," he said, having difficulty speaking, before steeling himself and continuing.

Rey’s knees hurt almost as much as the pain from his cock, but she could stay here all night, the pressure and friction of him making her feel like a feral animal, digging her claws into the shingles. Her young body was responding with enthusiasm, _dripping_ down her thigh. She was almost embarrassed to be so slick.

Her groin muscles started tensing of their own volition and she found that if she arched her back, he was touching more of where she wanted, and less of her ass. 

He groaned as she moved, but stopped, pulling out, probably seeing her hands clenching, worried she was in pain.

“Aw, I was really close,” Rey laughed, to let him know it was from pleasure as well.

“Oh, sorry,” Ben said, turning her around so she was sitting on his shirt, spreading her legs on either side of him. He tucked her hair behind her ear so he could kiss her, his tongue going deep. 

He leaned her back, entering her again, his hands on the spine of the roof to keep them in place. 

Rey realized his jeans were still on. Probably a good idea, in case anyone looked up, they’d both be mostly-clothed, plus the material protected his knees.

She leaned back all the way, so half of her was going down the other side of the house. Ben huffed a laugh but kept thrusting, watching her grabbing her own hair, trying to be quiet. 

There were people outside on the porch and invading his old treehouse.

Her shirt slid down, exposing her stomach, and Ben went faster, flattening her as his hand pressed on the soft skin there. The wetter she got, the louder his breathing became, and as incredible as his cock felt inside her, the _stretch_ of her body around him, his breathing was so erotic, the sound could have done her in all on it's own. 

"I'm sorry, I-I thought I was going to last longer," he apologized, his voice strained. "You’re tight...uh...it's _killing_ me."

His struggle was so sexy, his admission was making her squirm, she needed to come, fast. She opened her eyes to look at him, his flushed face, the little cloud of hot air coming out of his mouth from the cold night air.

"Don't stop, Ben, I'm almost...oh, please wait, wait, wait for me," she said, feeling him slow down, reposition--and there--his cock started digging right into a sweet spot inside her, making her toes curl.

Thigh muscles clenching, and the house arching her back for her, Rey came, forgetting to breathe, her walls closed around him, her body’s reaction urging his.

Ben exhaled, jerking involuntarily, pumping until the pained look slid off his face. 

Looking down at her, his mouth open, he swallowed, “I’m sorry if I did any of that wrong.”

Rey smiled, disbelieving her own theory, “Was that your first time too?” 


	5. You've been seeing things in darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **You've been seeing things  
>  In darkness, not in learning  
> Hoping that the truth will pass  
> No life underground, wasting never changing  
> Wishing that this day won't last  
> To never see you show your age  
> To watch until the beauty fades**   
> 
> 
> No Love Lost by Joy Division

Rey laid in her new bed with her ear to the shared wall. She could hear Ben moving around on the other side, his body right there, only a foot away through some boards and two thin sheets of drywall.

She grinned, remembering how his too-long legs kept touching hers by accident under the dinner table. How he looked over at her as he drove them to school that morning, parking close to the building because he was a “Senior”. How she couldn’t even concentrate on her homework on the living room floor because he would walk through the kitchen to take out the trash or get a glass of water.

There was a hollow sounding tap tap tap, startling her, like he had just wrapped his knuckle on the wall. Smiling, Rey tapped back. 

She heard him sit up in his bed and walk to his bedroom door. Sitting up, Rey’s hands flew up to adjust her hair.

Her door opened a crack and he let himself in.

_What is happening?!_

“Hey, I know it’s a school night,” he whispered, throwing a flashlight on the bed and raising a shoe up to the foot of her bed rail while he tied it, then the other one. “But there’s a concert at the Pavilion, it’s just a short walk away. Do you want to come?”

Rey felt wide awake.   
  


“Sure! Can you hand me my shorts?” Rey said, pointing to her outfit she’d laid out for school the next day. 

He paused, shaking his head at her OCD-ness, the shorts and shirt neatly folded next to a matching set of bra and underwear and a rolled up pair of socks. Tossing her the shorts like a frisbee, he opened her window all the way while she dressed under the covers.

Ben touched her elbow to help her out the window and pointed to the tree at the edge of the roof. Her flip flops were slippery on the bottom so she threw them to the ground to get once she got down. 

Taking her hand in his, worried she was going to fall, Ben helped her into the tree, then passed her on the descent, jumping to the ground and reaching up to take her by the waist, lowering her as if she weighed next to nothing. 

Her face was on fire as the bottoms of his hands touched the bare skin where her shirt rode up. Ben took a deep, nervous breath himself, running to collect her sandals for her.

Shining the flashlight, he led the way through the fields, checking her legs for ticks at the top of the hill as she looked down at the vibrant amphitheatre crowd. 

“Who’s the band?” Rey asked, feeling a rush of excitement as they walked towards the flurry of life after fields of darkness.

**I don't wanna know how long we'll last**

**In the end we'll always have the past**

**Take me to the place where we first met**

**All I really want is my heart back**

“It’s San Holo,” Ben said as they watched from a railing above the seated area.

**Hey, I'm sorry now**

**We are fading out**

**Tell me what to do**

Rey wrapped her arms around her chest, leaning on the railing.

**To lead**

**Me back**

**To you**

“Are you cold?” Ben asked, looking at her in her T-shirt and shorts.

**Just lead me back to you**

Standing behind her, he wrapped his warm arms around her. 

“This okay?”

**Lead me back to you**

Rey nodded, feeling giddy, like this was the start of something, pretending it was totally normal to have a man's groin pressed against her ass.

**Lead me back to you**

Her second day in America.

\----------------------

Leaning back on the floor of Ben’s bedroom, clutching his T-shirt tight around her, Rey set the bottle down and looked up at his ceiling posters, feeling the bass from his stereo vibrate through the floorboards.

There was a strange pull, like her hormones were suddenly pumping, the way she felt around Ben most of the time, a jarring feeling—when unsolicited.

Looking down, she saw her hand touching herself through her panties but she was too wasted to get herself off. 

_Was it disrespectful to orgasm alone on your dead crush’s floor?_

She let her hand drop.

There was a fresh scent, like the one on the shirt, but hot, as if right over her face. She closed her eyes, wondering if Ben was back.

As if answering her question, a phantom hand clasped her chin and his lips came down on hers. 

Just going with it, she opened her mouth, letting his tongue inside. His hand traveled from her chin down her neck, between her breasts, over her abdomen, and down into her panties. 

Her eyebrows raised in surprise, but he kissed her harder. Giving in, Rey lifted her hips to help him reach, tensing under his rough touch.

It felt like he was laying on the floor above her head, kissing her upside down. If she closed her eyes, she could understand, but opening them made everything confusing, as there was no one there.

Closing her eyes hard, Rey twisted her head, her mouth still on his, and sat up, finding his face with her hands and pulling him into her kiss, almost violently, before he could disappear—like at the end of the concert, or when she’d hit the floor of the treehouse. 

Grabbing her leg, he slid her onto his lap to straddle him. 

Looking down, it appeared as though she were hovering a foot over the floor.

“This is weird,” Rey muttered, sounding drunk, even to herself.

“Don’t turn the music off, okay?” he said, before kissing her again, sinking his tongue deep into her mouth.

“Why?” she asked, when he paused for breath. _Of all things, that’s what he was thinking about?_

“You don’t hear me or feel me without it,” he explained, his hands going under the shirt and palming her breasts through her boho bra. Seemingly irritated by the fabric between their skin, he lifted her bra until it was awkwardly high on her collarbone, giving him full access to her breasts, so small in his hands, he could have fit them both in one.

“Are you a ghost?” Rey whispered, worried that would offend him for some reason.

“I don’t fucking know, probably,” he said, tearing the lace of her panties so that they were now only attached to her right leg. 

  
Rey stifled a gasp, not wanting him to stop. If a ghost was going to scare her, this was the best possible scenario.

He spun her to the floor, her arm knocking over the full bottle of what smelled like whiskey. Watching the liquid spread, she saw a handprint of dry wood appear, seemingly impervious.

She closed her eyes as he entered her, pumping to the beat of the song. Her body stretched to accommodate his girth, like the first time, only her intoxication was helping to dull the pain.

Tilting her head back, she felt the liquor seep into her hair and shirt. 

She wrapped her legs around him, as if to keep him from floating away, pulling him deeper inside her. The wet friction was mounting an assault on the nerves between her legs and she clenched around it, fanning the flames, forgetting to breathe, again.

“Ah!” Rey cried, the pull hitting her all at once as she ran her hands over him, forming a mental picture. 

She opened her eyes and saw his face, his open mouth, his hair in his scrunched-closed eyes, hovering over her, his manly exhale in her ear as he came. Smiling, she was glad to have a reminder of his face, she had forgotten the sensual way he looked at her, as if taking mental photographs to file away in his spank bank.

And then he faded away, leaving her feeling even emptier than before he appeared. Wrecked and cold on her back, the liquor draining into the floorboards, wondering if she had imagined the whole thing, were it not for the sleepy vestiges of an orgasm and the post-coital burn between her legs.


	6. Just can't function no more?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Do you cry out in your sleep?  
>  All my failings exposed  
> Gets a taste in my mouth  
> As desperation takes hold  
> And it's something so good  
> Just can't function no more?**
> 
> Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

Rey smiled, spotting Ben unexpectedly as he came out of a class with his friend, the head of the yearbook. As if he could feel her gaze on him, he looked over, locking eyes with her.

Smirking, Ben mouthed, “hi,” while his friend continued talking next to him. 

Rey’s face _ hurt _ from smiling. After the night on the roof, they’d spent all day Sunday cleaning up after the party. Today, after school, they had to tackle the cleanup on the porch, treehouse, and the yard-- anywhere people might have gone--before his parents got home tomorrow.

Even cleaning was fun when Ben was involved. They had made a drinking game out of it, giving each other five minute increments to find something disgusting and take a picture. The person with the less-gross find had to do a shot.

Rey had found a used condom stuck to the underside of a toilet seat, barf in a house plant, and a thong in his parent’s bed. Being a bit of a lightweight, after those treasures, Ben was hardly any help, laughing and pulling her over to kiss him every time they passed in the house.

“Bye,” Ben mouthed as he passed her locker. 

Resting her forehead on the cold, metal locker, Rey massaged her cheeks to work out the painful muscles.

**\------------------------**

Rey squinted, trying to get her eyes to focus, almost done reading the wine bottle essay.

“At the end of his section, Quentin committs suicide, his last gesture not made with regret, but rather with joy and a sense of freedom, ‘a quarter hour yet. And then I’ll not be. The peacefullest words. The peacefullest words.’ Ben, thisessayss beautiful,” Rey slurred, her hand falling off the side of the dock, the paper floating away like a leaf.

**“Why are you doing this, Rey?”** Ben whispered in her ear.

“I’ll go...wherever you’re going,” Rey said, repeating his pickup line from the party. She heard him laugh quietly to himself.

“I can’t wait any longer, Ben. I’m going to be with you,” Rey said, her lip trembling. She lifted herself just enough so she could slide off the dock into the water.

**“Nooo,”** Ben cried, hoarsely, as she went under.

She could hear Ben shouting, but she couldn’t understand him. Kicking, she breached the surface, feeling clear-headed, not sleepy at all.

“Rey, this isn’t where I take girls, it’s just- I don’t know- part of our property!” he was saying, standing right there on the dock in his black boxer briefs, looking like a Greek god.

Rey tread water, having deja vu, even spotting his book bag and camera on shore next to their puddles of clothes. 

“Ben, what day is it?” Rey said, seriously.

“Tuesday, please come back,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

“Tuesday the what?” she asked, still confused.

“The uh...fourteenth,” Ben said, unsure where she was going with this.

That was the day Ben died.

“And we’re both ALIVE?” Rey said, remembering that morning, her last moment with Ben before his accident.

“What?” he asked, looking totally lost.

“Oh my GOD! BEN!” Rey shouted, swimming as fast as she could back to the dock.

She had forgotten about the water-worn boards and slipped at the top of the ladder, but Ben grabbed her mid-air, setting her feet down on the dry side.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ben asked, smiling down at her from his full height.

“We should skip school today, the whole day!” Rey said, tears in her eyes, holding his hands.

They still had time before his parents got home.

“Yes, we should. I’m surprised you’re the one suggesting it,” Ben said, his eyebrows rising as he twisted her back and forth by her waist. “I feel like I’m- corrupting you a little bit.”

“I think...growing up means getting a little corrupted every day," Rey said.

"I like the sound of that," Ben smiled.


End file.
